love me awake, part i

i did not expect early motherhood  

to resonate with me like an assault

for your midnight cries to set off alarms in my nervous system 

that would blare for hours after you’d fallen back asleep

i didn’t have time for these interruptions

every 2-4 hours for 14 months after you were born

i had a whole projection of togetherness that required 7.5 hours of continuous rest to maintain

a company to run, people to impress

i dreaded your needing me at night

and you knew it

when i grew tired of playing the victim, 

i got firm with myself: 

you are a descendant of Jacob

wrestle with the angel until you find the blessing, dammit

if this were a force for good in your life, 

what would it be offering?

the answer could have made me spit out my tea if my mouth had been full of it

apparently the universe is not above double entendre:

the kids are here to 

wake. 

you. 

up.

to what’s most important. 

to your capacity to respond with patience. 

to your own fierce courage to follow your intuition. 

to the truth that the real question was less “how do i fix this?” 

and more “how do i follow the love?”

i was missing the ape running across the screen

the universe replayed the tape

could i see the love now?

in my nipples leaking, seconds before you roused, 

a knowing passing us between us faster than the speed of sound

in the sweet relief of your latch, 

re-opening the conversation we began with my blood 

and continued with my milk

in our twin oxytocin highs, 

your ear on my bicep, your toes on my thighs

i let the message in

my new vision for optimization 

was repositioning you to maximize 

how much of your skin 

was touching mine

the new question i was asking:

how many times have i, will i, 

rage against something 

that is only trying to 

love me awake?